I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
