1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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