Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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