my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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