u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
