I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
