I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish I only lived at night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
