I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
