I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
