yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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