You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
