my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
3 2 1 whiskey
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
