Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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