Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
