My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
