Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
