Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
