I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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