Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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