i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
