I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
