I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
