Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
