Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
