I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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