There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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