Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Little spoons don't ask big questions
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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