I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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