This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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