I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
