Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
