jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
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All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
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I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.