Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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