Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
