Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
