**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
