This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
