he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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