walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
