Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i've created a new STD.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
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