frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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