Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
