Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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