Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Everyone says I win the strip club
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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