i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
