oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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