Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
