I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
