I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
