I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
