that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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