There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
nutella sex= disaster
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize