why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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