First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
