i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
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I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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