my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
its liver damage thursday
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
