remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
even my farts smell like vagina
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
