so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
