I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
