It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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