when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
