in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize